How Couples Communicate (and How to Stop)
Author: Brandon Malo, Associate Intern Therapist
A common reason couples decide to go to counselling is to improve their communication. Given the very real challenge of two unique individuals doing life together, communication breakdowns shouldn’t be all that surprising. But what does each of them think will happen when they sit down with a counsellor? What do you think would happen if you took that step? Spoiler alert: it may not be what you expect.
When you think about communicating with someone, chances are the first thing that comes to mind is how you will do the communicating. For example, “How can I do a better job getting my point across?” or “How can I make sure my message is well received?” Great questions both, but perhaps not the best place to start.
Of all the skills required to become a truly great communicator, listening is right there at the top. That’s right, the most essential skill when it comes to communicating well with your partner has less to do with what you say and more to do with whether you are really and truly listening to them. And not just to the words they are speaking or texting, but to the meaning behind them, to the larger story those words are a part of, and even more importantly, to the wildly unique human who is doing the speaking or texting.
Listening well is the hallmark of transformative communication.
And this is what couples counselling will teach you: how to listen to and learn from this singular person you have chosen to travel with on the journey of your life. As Marva Dawn writes, “True communication is not merely an exchange of information, but the embedding of whatever is discussed within a rich personal relationship. We communicate with someone else and develop meaning together.”
Which reminds me of a phrase often used when referring to breakdowns in communication, “We just aren’t on the same page.” Couples counselling can help you get there as you learn how to develop meaning and write your story together, learning and practicing skills like active listening and reflective listening to form a solid foundation for improving communication in your most significant relationship.
If you find yourself struggling to be heard and feel like your relationship is sputtering as a result, consider taking a different approach, learning how to listen well and deeply to your partner and see if that just doesn’t make a world of difference.
